Last post I know left some people extremely worried about me. I want to reassure everyone that I am doing better. I want to share some of my story to explain what happened. On August 5th I found out I was pregnant! I was ecstatic to say the least. I have been wanting to be a mom since the day I was born....it really is true, you can ask anyone. Being naive we started to tell our family too soon. I am awful at keeping secrets. As the month went by I notice my stomach starting to take shape, I was getting away from the fat shape to the actual pregnant looking shape. I started teaching again for a second year and everything just seemed too good to be true. I had everything, a wonderful husband, a job I love, students that I care for, great family that is supportive of us, financial stability and Clint already had possible offers for future jobs...there was nothing that could take us down.
Sadly, on August 27th I started having cramping and other symptoms of a miscarriage. Of course my mind raced to all the worst thoughts possible. I called my Doctor right away and they gave me the typical advice of what to do if it gets worse and how I need to stay calm and relaxed...like any pregnant woman can be calm and relaxed when they think they are having a miscarriage. Late that night the pain got so severe that I could not walk or hold myself up at all. Clint carried me to the car and rushed me to the hospital and while we were there we lost our baby. It was a nightmare come true. It was an experience that I never thought I would have to endure. I was 10 weeks along and excitedly planning our future with our baby and within 6 hours our baby was gone. The hardest thing about a miscarriage is the Doctor tells you there is nothing you can do to prevent it and no reason to explain it.
So, you're telling me that I lost my baby and there are no answers to provide me with any closure. How does anyone deal with that. Make matters worse I had to go back to the emergency room later on in the same week and my body was not recovering well. After this experience everything was a reminder of what I lost and I felt so alone. I had no idea what to do to help myself and my husband. As people have speculated I was clearly depressed. Instead of turning to God I turned away. I was so upset with him and I kept telling him that this was clearly too much for me to handle and he had to fix it. I kept questioning "why me?" Which is a typical question that many ask when faced with a trial.
I was so self-centered and upset that I didn't want to wake up and go to work, clean the house, make dinner I just wanted to grieve over my loss. But life just isn't that way. You have responsibilities and you have to fake it till you make it.
I was faking it as much as I could trying to find peace and comfort and still get through the day. I was getting to a turning point of my depression and turning to God, prayer and the scriptures. I felt hope in my life. Then that hope was confirmed when I had another positive pregnancy test! I felt so sure that God was blessing me for the trial I just endured. He knew how hard it was for me and blessed me to get pregnant quickly after that tragedy. I cried and prayed and asked for a blessing. I just was so grateful! Clint, however, was not going to get his hopes up. He was trying to play it safe. Good thing he did because I went to work the next day just to call Clint and tell him it was happening again. My doctor gave me a shot, took some blood, trying to do anything they could to prevent another miscarriage.
Sadly, these efforts were unsuccessful. Within 3 months I had two miscarriages and felt like my whole world was coming to an end. I could feel no happiness for a few days after. After my first miscarriage I did learn a very valuable lesson. If you want to find peace and hope and closure, quickly, you must turn to God and not away.
Right away I went to the temple, I prayed A LOT, read the scriptures, cried, talked to others who have dealt with similar trials and I found a lot of comfort in food:) What can I say, I like my food. I know that this post was a sad one again...but remember in the last post when I said I do not have a happy ending where I see hope and I know everything will work out...well Here it FINALLY is!
I told you that eventually it would happen and it has. As hard as it still is and as much pain I still have in my heart, I have hope and faith and I know that someday, when it is the appropriate time, Clint and I will have a child in our family and we will be the best parents in the world (I dare you to challenge me on that). We will be so happy that there will be no words to express it! I have not found complete closure yet and when I see other pregnant women my heart still breaks a little but I know now that I will endure this trial and I can still find joy in life.
I love my husband and how patient he is with me and supportive of my feelings. He has taken care of me so well during this time and has done his best to keep me distracted and busy to keep my mind away from the painful thoughts. Please, do not worry, but please keep praying for me because I know that those prayers are what have helped me get through these past four months and will continue to give me strength.
Love,
A Future Mother
