Monday, December 17, 2012

Joyful Memories

To get through the day I just need to remember the happy times and great memories and the many blessings I here are some reminders! Get ready for an overload of pictures!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A Better Side Of Me..

Last post I know left some people extremely worried about me. I want to reassure everyone that I am doing better. I want to share some of my story to explain what happened. On August 5th I found out I was pregnant! I was ecstatic to say the least. I have been wanting to be a mom since the day I was really is true, you can ask anyone. Being naive we started to tell our family too soon. I am awful at keeping secrets. As the month went by I notice my stomach starting to take shape, I was getting away from the fat shape to the actual pregnant looking shape. I started teaching again for a second year and everything just seemed too good to be true. I had everything, a wonderful husband, a job I love, students that I care for, great family that is supportive of us, financial stability and Clint already had possible offers for future jobs...there was nothing that could take us down.

Sadly, on August 27th I started having cramping and other symptoms of a miscarriage. Of course my mind raced to all the worst thoughts possible. I called my Doctor right away and they gave me the typical advice of what to do if it gets worse and how I need to stay calm and any pregnant woman can be calm and relaxed when they think they are having a miscarriage. Late that night the pain got so severe that I could not walk or hold myself up at all. Clint carried me to the car and rushed me to the hospital and while we were there we lost our baby. It was a nightmare come true. It was an experience that I never thought I would have to endure. I was 10 weeks along and excitedly planning our future with our baby and within 6 hours our baby was gone. The hardest thing about a miscarriage is the Doctor tells you there is nothing you can do to prevent it and no reason to explain it.

So, you're telling me that I lost my baby and there are no answers to provide me with any closure. How does anyone deal with that. Make matters worse I had to go back to the emergency room later on in the same week and my body was not recovering well. After this experience everything was a reminder of what I lost and I felt so alone. I had no idea what to do to help myself and my husband. As people have speculated I was clearly depressed. Instead of turning to God I turned away. I was so upset with him and I kept telling him that this was clearly too much for me to handle and he had to fix it. I kept questioning "why me?" Which is a typical question that many ask when faced with a trial.

I was so self-centered and upset that I didn't want to wake up and go to work, clean the house, make dinner I just wanted to grieve over my loss. But life just isn't that way. You have responsibilities and you have to fake it till you make it.

I was faking it as much as I could trying to find peace and comfort and still get through the day. I was getting to a turning point of my depression and turning to God, prayer and the scriptures. I felt hope in my life. Then that hope was confirmed when I had another positive pregnancy test! I felt so sure that God was blessing me for the trial I just endured. He knew how hard it was for me and blessed me to get  pregnant quickly after that tragedy. I cried and prayed and asked for a blessing. I just was so grateful! Clint, however, was not going to get his hopes up. He was trying to play it safe. Good thing he did because I went to work the next day just to call Clint and tell him it was happening again. My doctor gave me a shot, took some blood, trying to do anything they could to prevent another miscarriage.

Sadly, these efforts were unsuccessful. Within 3 months I had two miscarriages and felt like my whole world was coming to an end. I could feel no happiness for a few days after. After my first miscarriage I did learn a very valuable lesson. If you want to find peace and hope and closure, quickly, you must turn to God and not away.

Right away I went to the temple, I prayed A LOT, read the scriptures, cried, talked to others who have dealt with similar trials and I found a lot of comfort in food:) What can I say, I like my food. I know that this post was a sad one again...but remember in the last post when I said I do not have a happy ending where I see hope and I know everything will work out...well Here it FINALLY is!

I told you that eventually it would happen and it has. As hard as it still is and as much pain I still have in my heart, I have hope and faith and I know that someday, when it is the appropriate time, Clint and I will have a child in our family and we will be the best parents in the world (I dare you to challenge me on that). We will be so happy that there will be no words to express it! I have not found complete closure yet and when I see other pregnant women my heart still breaks a little but I know now that I will endure this trial and I can still find joy in life.

I love my husband and how patient he is with me and supportive of my feelings. He has taken care of me so well during this time and has done his best to keep me distracted and busy to keep my mind away from the painful thoughts. Please, do not worry, but please keep praying for me because I know that those prayers are what have helped me get through these past four months and will continue to give me strength.


A Future Mother

Friday, November 2, 2012

Different Side Of Me

Anyone who knows me know that I am a fairly bubbly and happy person most of the time, except when I am stuck in traffic but who is ever happy in traffic..Anyway, since being married Clint and I have had a fairly easy adjustment and a life filled with blessings. The trials that have come along have been minor and our families have been generous to help us in many ways! We have been so grateful for how lucky we have been and sometimes it seemed too good to be true. Nothing is ever too good to be true.

God was just preparing us for the hardest trial either of us have ever faced in our lives, our lives apart and together. This hardship has caused Clint and I to expose a different side of ourselves. And a side, for me, that I didn't know I had. I have found myself depressed and self-absorbed. I used to be so gung-ho about trying new things and getting out of the house. Now, after work I just want to come home, eat, sleep and watch T.V. I don't have a drive to be social with anyone. I am a recluse.

 I have days of happiness but my overall spirit feels distressed and not joyful. I fake happiness to everyone around me. I do not like this side of me. It was a side I had hope I would never have had to experience. But I guess everyone has to experience it at some point in their lives. I have just been blessed to avoid it for 24 years.

There are moments when my old self bounces back for a little bit but I have not found the trick yet to make it more permanent.

I have been debating a lot what to blog about lately and whenever I find myself typing I discover that I want to be honest instead of putting up pictures and acting like everything is fine...because it is not. Now, don't get any ideas by marriage is still bomb sauce, this is strictly about how I cannot get over my own grief and self-absordeness...I have received a lot of great advice from people I TRUST and LOVE and I have tried to apply a lot of it but I think I need still to find my own way to overcome this obstacle.

After general conference I felt that I had a turning point away from my own depression but all it takes is one small thing to bring me back down. I am sorry to be a Debbie Downer, I don't like being a Debbie Downer, but at this time this is all I can think to write about and I guess it feels kind of refreshing to put it out there.

I know at this point I need to put an uplifting paragraph about how I am going to get through this and everything happens for a reason but right now I just can't write that...I do hope and pray that one day soon I will be able to write that paragraph and that I will have my old bubbly self back.

However, I will end it with don't worry I don't need a bunch of phone calls asking if I am ok or comments with advice of what I should do to feel better, I just need to put how I feel out there.

For old times sake here is a picture and everything is Great! I am still very blessed and in love and that is important!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Drive back to reality

WE had a nice long trip back, where we took two detours. The first to visit my Aunt Suzy and Uncle Todd (AKA Kentucky Family)! We had so much fun with them! Lots of laughs, got to hear about Suzy and Todd's courtship, which proved to be very entertaining! Gotta hear about all the kids new adventures and eat the best ice cream my taste buds have ever had....Graeters!!!!

 Sad to leave our Kentucky family we hit the road to Chicago and spent time with Clint's Parents and Brent/Marci Clan! Lots of swimming, shopping, eating, walking and just overall fun! We are so blessed to have great family everywhere to spend time with and who help take care of us. That is something that has been really fun about driving across the country is the family we have spent time with and the places we have seen!

 Since being home we have had fun seeing our friends and family in Utah and moving into our own place again. It has also come with its stresses of going back to school and work and paying rent again (sad day)! We have also been able to meet Marshal's fiance Sandra and get to know her better! I am so excited for their upcoming wedding!

Boone County Fair

Clint completely squished in the car while moving all of our stuff...
Parker saying good-bye to his Shigloo
Clint assisting in the demolition
stay tuned for more updates