Friday, November 2, 2012

Different Side Of Me

Anyone who knows me know that I am a fairly bubbly and happy person most of the time, except when I am stuck in traffic but who is ever happy in traffic..Anyway, since being married Clint and I have had a fairly easy adjustment and a life filled with blessings. The trials that have come along have been minor and our families have been generous to help us in many ways! We have been so grateful for how lucky we have been and sometimes it seemed too good to be true. Nothing is ever too good to be true.

God was just preparing us for the hardest trial either of us have ever faced in our lives, our lives apart and together. This hardship has caused Clint and I to expose a different side of ourselves. And a side, for me, that I didn't know I had. I have found myself depressed and self-absorbed. I used to be so gung-ho about trying new things and getting out of the house. Now, after work I just want to come home, eat, sleep and watch T.V. I don't have a drive to be social with anyone. I am a recluse.

 I have days of happiness but my overall spirit feels distressed and not joyful. I fake happiness to everyone around me. I do not like this side of me. It was a side I had hope I would never have had to experience. But I guess everyone has to experience it at some point in their lives. I have just been blessed to avoid it for 24 years.

There are moments when my old self bounces back for a little bit but I have not found the trick yet to make it more permanent.

I have been debating a lot what to blog about lately and whenever I find myself typing I discover that I want to be honest instead of putting up pictures and acting like everything is fine...because it is not. Now, don't get any ideas by marriage is still bomb sauce, this is strictly about how I cannot get over my own grief and self-absordeness...I have received a lot of great advice from people I TRUST and LOVE and I have tried to apply a lot of it but I think I need still to find my own way to overcome this obstacle.

After general conference I felt that I had a turning point away from my own depression but all it takes is one small thing to bring me back down. I am sorry to be a Debbie Downer, I don't like being a Debbie Downer, but at this time this is all I can think to write about and I guess it feels kind of refreshing to put it out there.

I know at this point I need to put an uplifting paragraph about how I am going to get through this and everything happens for a reason but right now I just can't write that...I do hope and pray that one day soon I will be able to write that paragraph and that I will have my old bubbly self back.

However, I will end it with don't worry I don't need a bunch of phone calls asking if I am ok or comments with advice of what I should do to feel better, I just need to put how I feel out there.

For old times sake here is a picture and everything is Great! I am still very blessed and in love and that is important!